Faith is a Full Tank of Gas

We just moved to San Diego, CA without jobs. Why would we do this? I can think of a few reasons:

1. We are idiots. This goes without saying. We are unenlightened humans so we’re going to make mistakes just like everyone else.

2. We wanted to bike across the country. This is also true. We couldn’t do this if we had a job waiting because we couldn’t be sure how long it was going to take.

3. We are really, really frugal, and we have a lot of faith in our abilities to manage money and our abilities to get a job.

This is also true, but there’s a limit to how long we can wait. Strange enough, I feel _less_ worried than I did when we started even though we have less money now. Why?

I have no idea. I was panicking last night, and this morning. I woke up feeling waves of regret that I hadn’t planned things better.

I even thought about the ultimate in selling one self out: going back to school. Shhh! I know it’s really bad. I couldn’t help it.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but career plans are like changing channels on the TV. One day I’m gung-ho about something and the next, I am totally against it, thinking why did I ever want to do that.

This kind of vacillation keeps me from committing to a long term plan such as going to graduate school because I’ll change my mind a million times.

Long time readers will know that this is because I really would like to sit around all day and write and get paid for it. Anything that cuts into writing time pisses me off. On the other hand, I usually have little faith in my ability to finish and sell a book, and I don’t want to die as a loser who never did anything because he had this impossible dream that didn’t work out.

What’s the answer? I feel that faith is the way to go.

After meditating for a few years, I got this amazing gift. It started at the beginning of this year. I started to believe in myself. Not some other power just me. It’s not that I believed that I could do amazing things, either. I was still the same, ordinary person. I just started to get a little faith in my ability to deal with any situation.

Since I never had any faith of any kind in my ability to do anything, this is new. It’s also a reworking of faith. In the past, faith meant making yourself believe in things that are absurd. It’s the way to go beyond the rational mind and come up with a a way we can live forever.

That faith died while I studied neuroanatomy. If you can change someone’s mind by tinkering with their nerves then where’s the immortal soul that makes decisions? I had this big crisis that also tied into me getting mugged. I was also living alone in one of the worst ghettos in a big city for the first time in my life. Prior to this, I never lived alone. Plus I was starting medical school.

Now ten years later, my faith is back, but it’s completely different.

I’m sure I’ll go through a million more crisises before we get jobs. But at this moment, I have no doubt that I can handle the situations.


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